This is the story of an octopus and myself and the painful struggle between man and nature. Really. Well, it did get me the best grade in my English 11 Honors class. I did it for my personal narative paper because this did actually happen to me.
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Twice upon a time, I had a bright shiny octopus. I one day decided to name him Oscar-Meyer. One of the pleasures, in his wee-of-mind life was swimming back and forth in my fish tank. Oh t'was a beautiful sight to behold. His dark purple skin would shimmer wildly in the cold, harsh fluorescent light of the tank. Sometimes, while swimming in aforesaid tank, he would squirt his dark, sticky ink at my pet eels. Squirt, squirt, and squirt again, all day and all night It got to the point where the water would just sit there, cold black and stagnant with dead eels floating in it, belly-up on the surface. It really was quite sad.
"I can take this no longer!" I belched out.
I quickly hopped in my Gremlin and sped to the nearest pet store. Oddly enough, the pet store I wound up at turned out to be Thurston's Squid Emporium.
"Perfect," thought I as I ran inside. I instantly found a youth working in the store. I told him of how I needed something to kill my inky Oscar-Meyer. I finally realized that this member of "America's dissaffected youth" was really stoned, so I left him and went searching on my own. Finally, I found exactly what I needed, a ten fool long Big Squid from the Southern Baltic Seas. It was a beautiful creature. It's eyes were dark hazel and it had skin to match.
I quickly heaved the Big Squid onto the counter and waited for a clerk. Realizing, eventually, that no one was there to help, because the young stoned fellow was still rambling incoherently by the squid food, I checked myself out leaving the proper amount of money on the counter and then left. With the Big Squid crammed in my Gremlin I frantically motored on home.
I arrived ant my house to find, to my horror, my dear Oscar-Meyer had mutated into a giant octopus-monster called The Octopus-Monster. Fancy that! I soon discovered that he had already killed my neighbors and was politely gnawing on their heads in my bathroom.
"Whatever shall I do?" I urgently contemplated.
At that same moment, some cosmic force caused a ding to sound through my ears as a light bulb shaped apparition appeared over my head. Coincidentally, I had a great idea at that point in time. Well actually it was more of a rememberance than an idea. But, that rememberance was that I still had a Big-Squid from the Southern Baltic Seas in the backseat of my Gremlin.
I quickly ran to my car to fetch said squid. I then, even more quickly, pushed the large cephalopod up the stairs and into my bathroom where the Octopus_Monster had moved on to politely gnawing on my neighbors' lungs. I stood tall and erect as I hoisted the Big-Squid over my head and dropped it on the Octopus-Monster.
The Big-Squid landed with a thump-sphut and quickly died with a hiss reeking of ammonia. I must have forgotten that air is not the natural habitat of the Big-Squid from the Southern Baltic Seas. At this point, I must remind the reader that because of Oscar-Meyer's mutation he could easily breathe out of water.
"Well Gosh! What will I do now?" I pondered aloud.
Then, in another moment of inspiration, I grabbed the baseball bat I kept cleverly next to the toilet. With the Louisville Slugger swinging, I charged the Octopus-Monster. The hard wood of the bat landed with a splurf against the creature's octopodial head. It brazenly fought back by throwing my neighbors' pancreases at me. Both of the aforementioned body parts hit my chest with individual expulsions of bile which caustically burned my flesh. I grappled with the monstrous beast. His tentacle-like fingers sucked at my skin as I bashed him good with my bat.
Suddenly, I heard a noise best described as "qua." It seems I had ruptured his vitally important ink-making-sac and his veins, arteries, and capillaries were filling with inky-gooey ink.
"Ahhhhh, to the victor belongs the spoils, and quite obviously, I am the victor, foolish pulpo," I scoffed at the deflating Octopus-Monster. But as his final burbles expired, he managed to throw my neighbors' cervical lymph nodes at me. In a cruel twist of fate, I was yawning at the moment, being this was just fight of some energy expenditure, and said nodes proceeded to make their sweet way into my mouth only to lodge in my throat, choking and killing me. The Octopus-Monster and I then simultaneously died, both laying beaten and battered in the ink and sweat soaked bathroom.
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